My Truth on Kettle
I wouldn’t use the word insecure. I am sure there was a little overcompensation. I think even some people may have thought me arrogant. Please believe me when I tell you the extra bravado was intended to be more of a distraction than anything else.
I knew that I was close, and because I was so close I could get by. I could talk some of the talk but I would try so hard not to. I would walk a little of the walk, enough for people to notice, not enough for anyone to think I was doing my best.
I was not.
It is easy to fool people into thinking you are good at something that can be described by a broad term. All you have to do is do what is easy for you very very well and ignore the parts you can’t do by branding them unimportant or undesirable. See, it’s easy.
I’ll give you an example. If you are an actor and you are super hot, you don’t have to act well or pick good projects if you party hard (really hard), date super hot girls or boys, crash awesome cars at high speeds, get arrested on the regular, etc, etc. It’s all a distraction. People forgive your crappy performances because they think if you ever got your shit together you could be the best, but you can’t. You are afflicted.
See, easy.
I’ve done this. Actually, I have been doing this pretty consistently for over a decade. I was reading some of my old work today. I was reading the comments as well. I don’t think I have ever read them. My professors fell into three categories: they were either mad at me, dismissive, or they felt sorry for me. As if I did not belong there. Reading my work and the comments today actually made me pretty angry. Mostly at myself, a little at them, we’re talking like 70/30. Ok, maybe 80/20.
The truth is, I had some talent. Not elite talent, not enough talent to not try at all and still be the best, but I was better than average. I was certainly talented enough to do something with it if I really wanted it. In hindsight, I would say I was happy being just good enough to get laid and be admired by some of my peers. Even very low levels of fame can be enough to make a guy lose context.
I would always wait for someone I admired, you know, a worker, to tell me I had what it took to be great. I wanted to be “found”. I wanted to be “discovered”. I wanted that to be the way things worked. I wanted someone to find me in the rough and polish me into a diamond.
This part of me is my greatest shame.
That being said, figuring out that you are a lazy manipulator helps you identify these characteristics in others. You will despise these people. You will see your shame in them and hate them for it. It’s just easier that way. I know this about myself and over time it has become a strength in its own weird way. It has given me perspective.
I am not concerned about people seeing this part of me because I know it’s there. I am not afraid that I’m not as strong as I think I am. I know exactly who I am. I can see myself in other people too. If you are a poser or a fake or a fraud, I see you. I feel your bravado and I am not impressed. Not because I am better than you, I am not. It is just that my awareness gives me perspective.
See, easy.
So here I am now. I am in this same situation again. I have built this same world around me. It just happened as if I was on autopilot. Like no matter where you move you just set your room up the same way. It just works for me. I’m good at it. I am comfortable here, walking around with crazy amounts of bravado but really I’m waiting in the rough, waiting to be discovered.
But something changed. Something is different this time. I went to Russia and it was not me who was picked. I was not adored for my wit or my charm or my brute strength. It was my friend who was chosen. He is a worker, a hustler, possibly the strongest most earnest grinder I have ever known. They loved him. I was just another guy.
Suddenly my comfort zone was shattered. I was doing it again and it was not working. My whole life had caught up with me and in that moment, in the moment Rudnev was smiling at me knowing that I had not done all the work I could have, knowing I was caught. My life changed.
I just can’t be that guy anymore. It is no longer enough to coast and be just a little better. I need more. I need to try harder. I need to work. I need to grind. Since that moment, since that smile that has scarred my mind and my heart, I can not rest if I have not worked as hard as I possibly could that day.
I have never worked harder in my life, at anything, than I have since I returned from Russia. My training, my studying, my diet (I’ve dropped 30lbs), my cardio, everything is geared towards one thing. I will meet my potential. I will find out exactly what I am made of and who I am. No more qualifiers, no excuses, no nothing. I will polish my damn self this time. If I have what it takes, if on my best day I can do it, if everything I have is actually enough, I will know when it’s over.
Easy, breezy.
Kettle,
July 1, 2010 at 8:46 pm
Great article J Wild!
I was just thinking about this topic this past week for myself. It is easy to be complacent when things stay the same and you do the same thing especially when you think you paid all of your dues and reached a certain point in your life.
The reality is that if you want the most out of life you are always paying your dues whether it is school, work, relationships and even battling the demons in your head.
The great thing about life is that we can wake up each day with choices. Choices to take chances, push ourselves and move in a different directions. How do we respond to failure, to success to the mundane and to the unknown?
The self recognition is great John and that is what I need too, to understand what I am holding back in myself and push a bit more. Not only for others but mostly for myself because the potential is inside and if I don’t use it, then it is a waste and you live is a world wondering, what could have been.
July 2, 2010 at 4:07 pm
Absolutely Doug. I remember once a coach of mine told me “I know you think you’re working hard but…” and then he just smiled. It was a small victory for me that at least he knew I was trying. He was right though, I was better than I was showing him.
July 1, 2010 at 8:48 pm
Wow. Very intense and brutally honest evaluation. I went thru a similar thing years ago when I got out of teaching because I was just going thru the motions and not enjoying it. Big kudos to you for truly stepping up and facing these issues like a man. I know you are on the right path and you have my full support. I remember seeing the “fire” in your eyes in St. Petersburg, and now I understand what was really bugging you. Congrats on facing hard truths, and I am very impressed by your commitment to reach your full potential.
Tom
July 2, 2010 at 4:09 pm
Thanks Tom,
I will see him again soon, I can’t wait!
It’s been eating at me since the moment it happend. I’ve been working like an animal since I have been home, and not just at the things I am good at
July 1, 2010 at 9:31 pm
Nice assessment JW. I hope you don’t apply it just to your training. Said it before, say it again: you have a great voice. Use it. Refine it.
There are many people in the fitness industry who write blather. You don’t. You could write Zen and the Art of Kettlebells if you worked at it. That would be worth reading.
July 2, 2010 at 4:13 pm
Thanks D,
I have been working on my writing too. When I was reading those old pieces I was actually happy to see that they were not very good. I thought they were much better at the time but I know now that I have improved enough to see the little flaws. I know I will write a book. I just have no idea what to write about. I don’t think my soul is still enough to write about anything Zen
July 2, 2010 at 3:02 am
Words are hollow with no action. In the doing, I am found out. In the action is the truth. One consistent truth is my daily struggle with what I want to do, what I can do and what I am. What am I? Is this it? Never very pretty so I don’t go near mirrors, I might catch a glimpse at the truth. My own words knock me down. I get back up but a glance over my shoulder and the doubt’s still nestled there.
I’m anxiously following, John, with my own action.
p-hump
July 3, 2010 at 7:40 am
I know that feeling Phil. That’s what happens when you reach out to make a litle progress, you get smashed sometimes. Keep fighting man. Don’t quit. If you’re stuck, just pop your head up for a second and look around. Find your way to move forward.
July 2, 2010 at 5:14 am
John, I’ve read this post about 4-5 times. Scares me a bit, my thoughts are reflected too many times in your writing. I think we are all at a certain level impostors waiting to be found, what matters is what we do after that moment comes. Do we run and hide in shame or do we try and improve and really live up to the things we’ve build up around us.
Boris
July 2, 2010 at 4:16 pm
We build Boris. We work. We fight. I know that like me you feel that at your best you can not be defeated. We just need to find our best. I’m sorry that you see your reflection is some of my writing. You must be very very troubled
July 2, 2010 at 3:10 pm
John, I echo what Boris said about seeing myself reflected in your writing. I hate that feeling when the safe illusion is pulled back and we are thrust into the cold wind of reality.
I only hope when it happens to me again, that I can meet it with the humble honesty you have shown and the same resolve to be who I am capable of becoming.
I will pray to whomever is listening that we all have the strength of spirit to match the loads placed on us.
Your friend in strength,
Rich Kahle
July 2, 2010 at 4:21 pm
Thanks Rich,
I am sure when it comes around again you will handle it with courage and grace. I only wish this moment had come to me years ago. Then again, at least it came now and not later
July 3, 2010 at 9:27 am
you write good
You do. If that’s the talent you speak of, you’re going to do great. You’re also a talented teacher. You’re also humble enough while showing off that people love you — don’t get the wrong idea… baby
— that you’re strong goes without saying.
Congrats on the 30lbs, but really, the biggest congrats is on summed up, nicely, in this piece that you wrote so well.
I hope your seminar is goes great today! I’ll be in Bulgaria for a few weeks, but I would have easily popped up for this class or next week’s, or both if I was in CA.
Roland
July 3, 2010 at 6:30 pm
Thank you very much Roland! The seminar was a lot of fun. I hope you can make it around at some point,it would be great to meet you.
July 4, 2010 at 8:36 am
We met once, but I don’t think I ever said my name. You were one of the instructors at the Manhattan Beach IKFF Cert. You helped me with the deck squat (among other things) when I couldn’t do it. I’m generally inflexible… working on it, still!
I’ll be up there to learn some more, ASAP.
Roland
July 4, 2010 at 10:51 am
Ah! Right on
That was a fun class. I am sure that Dolby, Nazo, and i will be down in LA soon to do a workshop. We just have to pick the date. It will be great to see you again!
July 3, 2010 at 4:08 pm
Great post John. That took great strength, courage, insight and honesty.Love it.
July 3, 2010 at 6:33 pm
Thank you very much Rif! It’s amazing how rewarding busting your tail can be. I think I am beginning to understand what I need to do to get where I want to go. I’m sure you understand, you’re a grinder
!!!
July 3, 2010 at 7:35 pm
John, thanks for the great post, a time of reflection is quite revealing. You will be the great in your endeavors! Congrats on your successes!
Kathy
July 4, 2010 at 10:49 am
Hi Kathy! Thank you for the kind words
I am looking forward to seeing you and Josh as soon as possible 
!!
July 4, 2010 at 11:59 pm
GREAT post! The fact that you realized what the heck was going, then took action is incredible. Especially when most people would say, Yeah, I need to make a change,… and then do nothing about it.
You rock.
July 5, 2010 at 4:32 pm
Thank you so much Ryan! I try to be honest all the time, even with myself. It’s hard to stay sober when you tell yourself the hard truth lol!
July 5, 2010 at 2:06 pm
John–Garcia Lorca calls what you are engaged in “the fight all artists must carry on, the fight for what is unforeseen, the treasure hunt in the sea of thought for inviolate emotion.” The treasure may not always be a beautiful one, but it’s always a truthful one. I agree with Ryan, taking action is unique and incredible. You rock indeed!
July 5, 2010 at 4:35 pm
Thank you Elle, I’m trying. Everything in me pulls me back towards habits I am trying to get away from. However, this time I seem to be making better progress
Hopefully I can keep it going!
July 5, 2010 at 6:51 pm
Am I really going to be so nerdly as to quote Tom Hanks? ‘if it were easy, everyone would do it. It’s the hard that makes it great.’ And every time you have the courage to face (and re-face) the hard, it gives those of us who identify but have yet to step up a little hope for ourselves — not that I’m talking about anyone in particular
We got your virtual back, kettle!
July 5, 2010 at 7:18 pm
You did. You went there. You quoted Tom Hanks. I think that counts as “Stepping up”. I will step up as well. “All my life I’ve been waiting for someone and when I find her, she’s… she’s a fish.” You can say that again Mr. Hanks
Thank you Elle for having my back. kettle,
July 5, 2010 at 2:29 pm
Awesome article…I relate to every damn word you wrote! It doesn’t matter how many years we have trained for or how much experience we have, once we have that “lightbulb moment”, we evolve once again. We become the very thing we have been trying so hard to be, except now we don’t have to try anymore.
We train harder, more intensely and with more focus…not because we are trying to impress anyone specific, but because we can and because we want the best from ourselves.
July 5, 2010 at 4:37 pm
Is it wrong that as I read your comment I am using a Scottish accent? I mean, nobody else is here or anything… I think it just sounds better
Thank you for the comment Kristen. It was certainly a “Lightbulb Moment”!
July 5, 2010 at 11:50 pm
John….in the privacy of your own 4 walls you can use whatever accent you want! Just don’t do it on a bus or anything….that might be a bit worrying…